Quiet here

It seems that I have been quiet around my blog for a while now. Not that I don’t have a ton of things that I could write about or that there has been a lack of excitement around our house lately. Husband and I have had our hands kind of full the last few days. It’s just that I have not really had the time to sit down and write anything. We welcomed daughter #2 to our family on the 18th (I will call her “E” on here). We have been in what is essentially an “adjustment” mode, but it has been quite a smooth transition for all of us. It is almost seamless other than the mild extra attitude that A has had, but that was expected and hasn’t been nearly as bad as I thought.

As far as our D/s goes, we are still active in it and the “out of the bedroom” mindset is still very much present. I’m looking at this as a good learning experience for both of us. I have had some definite slip ups in attitude over the last week, but I actually think that I have been pretty good all things considered. He has also cut me a great deal of slack, though I have gotten the “look” a couple times. The look that says “I’m giving you a break, but you better watch it”. He has also continued to show the little random displays of dominance. For one example, when He kisses me He will often grip the back of my neck. It seems small, but it still does wonders for me. Obviously, we are limited in bedroom activity for a few weeks.  As much as I am so craving it, He seems to be somewhat enjoying teasing me. On the plus side (well plus side for me, considering I love doing it), my mouth/hands aren’t out of order 🙂 It’ll be interesting to see how the next few weeks go (considering that my sky high libido did not back down too much and is back on the rise again), but I’m sure that as far away as it seems time will just fly as it has a habit of doing. I am still around in the blog-world reading and commenting, but it’s possible that my posts will be a little farther spaced out than normal. We’ll see what happens. 🙂

 

Unexpected

The last few days I have been feeling that “off” feeling again. I can’t really put it into words exactly how it is that I feel, but “off” seems to be the best way of describing it. I don’t really even know what brought it on to be honest. My Husband had to work late on Saturday night, but when He got home we decided on watching a movie His friend had brought over. By the way, if someone ever asks you to watch the movie “Sharknado” either just say no or be prepared to see one of the worst movies ever. I was still apprehensive about it because even if they are ridiculous my overactive imagination will come up with crazy dreams anyway. Scary movies tend to affect me. (Aside: My Husband absolutely loves scary movies, and He was giving me a bit of grief about feeling nervous about this one. I don’t blame Him, even the name of the movie sounds ridiculous. However, He pulled me close to Him and said something to the affect of “We may need to start getting you past this fear of yours…” Hmm…) Anyway, we cuddled on the couch watching this terrible movie. For the duration of the entire movie, He played with my breasts. And not lightly either, He was going nuts. A few times He stopped and told me to concentrate on the movie only to continue after a few minutes. Well, that was easier said than done! Finally, the movie ended.

For around the last month or so, it has been part of our nightly routine to take a shower together. So once the movie ended, He said it was time to shower up. It was extremely late, so I had assumed it would just be a quick wash up and get to bed kind of night. Once we both finished cleaning up He gave me a “look”, and I’m sure that some of you probably completely understand the “look”. It’s one of pure lust and desire. I love that look. He flipped me around and bent me over at the waist so that the stream of water was running down my back. He wasted no time and took me quickly from behind. I could sense His urgency, this was going to be quick (which for the record, I love it when He does that!). Once finished, He gave me a nice swat to my behind and we cleaned up and went to bed.

The next morning, we got up to get to church and despite being extremely tired from so little sleep, I felt amazing. It was a good feeling. After church, we had decided to pick up some fast food really quick before Husband had to get to work. Unfortunately, we were 4 minutes too early to order lunch and I knew that A wouldn’t eat anything off the breakfast menu. They would not let us order lunch, but we didn’t have time to wait around. That’s where my mood started to deteriorate. I felt bad because now Husband wasn’t going to be able to eat before work. For some odd reason that I can’t even begin to explain, it started a downward spiral of emotion. I just couldn’t seem to shake it. I watched football most of the day, which was enjoyable but did not seem to help my down mood.

When Husband came home later that night, after a while He noticed something was up and said “Are you pouty?” I shrugged my shoulders and bottled up like I hate doing, but did anyway. He said “Let’s shower up and go to bed” and we did just that. Monday came around and I still was still not feeling right. Most of the day went on without much of a hitch, and Husband was able to get out of work a little early to be home in time to watch the second half of the Redskins/Eagles game. I came up out of my rut very temporarily because I was so glad He was able to get home. I knew He had a bunch of homework to do and since He didn’t get to watch any football on Sunday He would want to watch the Monday games. Once He got started on His homework, I sat and watched the game and let my mind wander. The “off” feeling came back. He definitely took notice. He finished with His homework a few hours later and leaned forward to turn my face to His. “Are you seriously pouty again today? Not good. Let’s shower up.”
I learned something about myself, when I feel “off” I feel the desperate need to hide. Not only my emotions, but physically hide. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I never noticed it until Sunday and Monday nights but when we went to shower I had my arms crossed over my chest, covering as much of myself as I could manage. However, on Monday night things took a turn. He had gotten in first and washed His hair and I climbed in when He finished with that. Again, there I was desperately trying to cover myself. He grabbed His soap and stepped aside so I could start washing myself. I faced away from Him as I wet down my hair when suddenly I felt Him yank my hair and in the most commanding voice I have ever heard said “Turn around and face me. Now!” I did not hesitate to turn around and He put His hand under my chin and lifted so I was looking straight into His eyes. “Continue.” So I lathered up my shampoo and wash my face. I put body wash on my loofa and stepped aside for Him to rinse off. As I washed myself, I kept looking at Him and once He had rinsed He looked back at me and said “Why are you pouty?” I suppose pouty is the best was the describe it because I’m not being bratty or mouthy (most of the time, occasionally I’ll get short with Him and mouth off, but that didn’t happen in these few days). I shrugged my shoulders again as we switched places. He said “Talk.” So I told Him that I was feeling off and that I just didn’t know how to explain it to Him. I just did not feel completely right. We finished the shower and crawled into bed. He turned to face me and grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me into a kiss. Again, I attempted to explain how I felt and we talked a bit about it. I told Him how I noticed that I hide, both mentally and physically and He agreed. Then He grabbed my face and kissed me a little harder, when we pulled back we just looked into each other’s eyes. I apologized for being pouty and He thanked me for my apology. He held me for a little while longer, caressing my face. I felt better. Then He said that it was time to get some sleep and told me that I had to as well. My response was “Yes, Sir” and He gave me a “Good girl” and I felt exponentially better.
It was an unexpected display of dominance, but I absolutely needed it. And then today happens. I had a doctor’s appointment and was put on 24 hour bedrest and told to drink lots and lots of fluids (don’t worry! it’s purely precautionary!). Me and bedrest do not mix so I was not happy in the slightest. When we got home, we were standing in the kitchen and I told Him that despite the fact that it sucks, I feel so much better (emotionally) than I did yesterday. He said “Good.” and that He was going to go pick up something to eat for lunch. We ate lunch and He slapped my butt a few times, handed me a bottle of water and said “Now you go lie down.” This was not a request and His command actually caught me off guard. After I had gotten up for the third time He asked me why I was up again and gave me a look that said “Do not get up again.” As He was saying goodbye to me He said “Now you are going to rest and drink lots of water, aren’t you?” Very obviously a rhetorical question, this was also a command. I leaned in and hugged Him and whispered “Yes, Sir.” He smiled and left for work.

History of us

“All my soul follows you, love encircles you and I live in being yours.” -Robert Browning

My Husband and I don’t have what you would call a typical love story romance. I was 19 and He was a few years older. I was currently in a non-relationship with His roommate’s friend. We stayed at their place occasionally over weekends. I actually vividly remember the very first time that I met Him. He was playing Guitar Hero and totally rocking the “expert” setting. Silly as it is, I loved watching Him play that game. Even after the game was done, there was something about Him that caused an intense attraction deep inside my heart. He was mild mannered and quiet. He was usually the reserved one that most people would forget was even in the room. I was never one of those people. Something about Him just drew me in, I think that’s when I truly knew that we were soul mates. Obviously, I was in a sort of relationship so acting upon my reaction at the time was out of the question. So I still admired Him, just from a distance. Even after I broke off the other relationship, I tried to keep contact. I found myself caught up in another relationship from hell and was forced to drop all contact. He never really left my mind.

Fast forward a few years. I had finally been able to break free of the abusive relationship I was in and was on my own with A. That first night after she went to bed I was sitting in my tiny apartment looking at all the boxes to be unpacked yet. It was then that I thought of Him. I found myself wondering what He might be doing, if He had a girlfriend, or maybe get married? Over the  next few days I found myself constantly thinking. I began to wonder if there was a way that I could get back into contact with Him. All those feelings that I felt years prior when we first met came flooding back. Despite having just gotten out of the bad relationship I knew that this was the chance I thought I would never get. I started to contemplate how I would be able to get a hold of Him. Some way, some how I was determined. Sometimes it works out that where there’s a will there’s a way. I was able to get His cell phone number. Nervous as all heck I began to text Him. He was unaware of who I was at first, but I got a picture to Him and He remembered. I won’t get into details about that exchange, but I was very forward and very…. naughty with my virtual advances. I couldn’t deny it…. I wanted Him.

We talked more and worked out that He would come to visit me at my apartment. I lived almost 2 hours away from where He did and it was more difficult for me to pack up because I had A, who was less than a year old at the time. The fact that He was willing to make that trip for me really touched me. That first night that He came down was incredible. I could feel a connection that I knew in my heart was right and was going to last. I felt as though we were made for each other.
For 3 years, we had a distance relationship. I had moved, but only about 30 miles closer to Him. We were still 90 miles apart. Sometimes, that distance felt like we were in separate universes. It was not easy to deal with at times, but I fought hard for it. We waited until after we got married to live together, so our dating relationship was always faced with distance.
So getting to the quote at the head of my post, “All my soul follows you, love encircles you…” Every time He left or I had to leave His place I felt as though my soul followed Him, my love constantly with Him. Home was not the physical place I stayed, home was truly with Him. Even now that we are married and live in the same house, this still rings true even though more often than not He is only leaving for the day. I have been His for a long time now, but embarking on this journey into D/s has made me more His than ever before, “…and I live in being yours.”

To submit…

I can feel it in my blood, soul, and heart. So intense. So deep.

Image: Pinterest

I am His

I had started working on a post about feeling out of sorts. I have been feeling that way since Monday because of a stupid mistake that I made that day (I seriously am really very hard on myself about a lot of things, even when they are small). However, as I was writing it I started to feel worse and not better. So I promptly deleted that post and went onto Pinterest and started just looking around. I don’t look around there often, but when I do I can usually find some interesting things. In my browsing, I saw a picture that I’m sure many have reposted to many different sites. The title at the top was “WHO IS she?” and at the bottom says “she IS HIS.” In between it spoke of aching, yearning, burning. It really spoke to me today. This afternoon before my Husband had to go to work I was lying on the couch with my head in His lap. I was already starting to feel better just from that, but then He gently placed His hand on my neck. Since A was in the room with us, it wasn’t anything obvious or rough. Just a simple placing of His hand that was just enough that I could feel Him there, but not enough that it looked bad. I’m not sure if He did it on purpose or not, but either way I realized that I felt better. I have been His for a long time now, but that was one of those moments where I really felt it. I really needed that today. I am His.

Time goes on…

It’s been a while since I last wrote on my own blog. I have been quite active everywhere else, I just haven’t had a whole lot to write about in the last week. The three of us went to the baseball game on Saturday and had a lot of fun. My Husband’s boss gave Him some really good tickets and as luck would have it, He got 3 of them. We all had a really good time while we were there, even A was really well behaved and we stayed for the entire game (though she’s normally not too bad at the games, we usually have to leave by the 8th inning because she gets restless).

Tuesday night we went to my in-laws farm for their “Customer Appreciation” dinner. My Husband’s cousin is a caterer and his company catered the event. They do it every year and my Husband and His brothers (and a few other family members) always go. Mostly for the Prime Rib. Haha. It was quite delicious though. Almost as delicious as the way my Husband got touchy feely with me. Quick grabs under the table. A few small swats to my rear when no one was looking. Even such things as putting His arm around me. Small things, but they did wonders to my mindset. Later that night, we had left A to stay there for the rest of the week so we were home alone. He is trying to catch me up on Breaking Bad (we’re halfway through Season 3 now), so He told me to get it started and we would watch an episode or two. We got a little distracted during the first episode, but I was glad for it (we tried a new position that was tiring for me, but I loved it!).

Without A here, the last few days I have been home alone with nothing but my thoughts. My brain takes me to all sorts of places and I have been drifting in a sea of thought with barely a life jacket to keep me afloat. I think it’s time for another deep talk. I’m not sure why, but it still feels like a major hurdle to open up my thoughts and feelings. I put up walls and withdraw. I know that this is a defense mechanism that I developed over years of being bullied and being rejected. This is going to be something that I need to work on and will need help pushing past. Despite opening up about my thoughts feeling like a giant hurdle, just having had that first talk helps lower the height of the hurdle just a little bit. Hopefully over time, they won’t be hurdles anymore and I can just open myself up without reservation. This last paragraph really is nothing new. I wrote about this very same thing not long ago. However, I thought it was important to write that the hurdle doesn’t seem quite as daunting as it did last time and to me that is pretty significant.

#7-9: Discipline, spanking, rules

I felt as though questions 7-9 were somewhat related to each other, so I put them all into one post. So here we go…

7) Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

Now this is another excellent question. I don’t know that I would necessarily expect discipline or punishments, at least not any time soon. I’m not inherently naughty or bratty. I definitely test Him quite often, but am not naturally like that. In my mind, honest mistakes don’t deserve a punishment. If I did something on purpose like not doing something I was expressly told was priority then that would be grounds for a punishment of some sort. I would accept it. My aim is to please my Husband and if I have been deliberately disobedient than it was deserved. I would expect if there were to be any punishment that it would fit the “crime”. I feel like it is not needed often in my own personal relationship, but I would definitely accept it (while at the time I may not like it, it would help me to be a better person and how I can be a better and more pleasing wife/sub to my Husband).

8) Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

This is kind of a tricky question to answer. Currently, we don’t implement actual spanking or corporal punishment (besides the lovely shade of pink I received the other day). We are still in the beginning stages. We only don’t use this type of thing yet because we are still working on figuring things out. That being said, I do think that a real good true spanking session would really help us in these beginning stages (not the love taps that take place during sex, I mean a real session where my butt turns a lovely shade of red). I am convinced that it would really help us in establishing our roles so much better. To me, it would be another tool on the table to use to re-establish the roles if the need ever arises as well. I would like real spanking (hand or implement) to be a part of our dynamic, but that is not for me to decide. In the meantime as I develop my submission to my Husband and He develops His dominance I will prepare myself as best I can for anything that might come my way.

9) Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Honestly, I think that structure, rules, and limits are good for any relationship. Even in vanilla relationship each person has their own “rules” that they expect from the other. If you want your partner to remain faithful to you, then it is a “rule” that they should not be messing around with someone else (more often than not, at least with the people in my life, this is an unspoken rule that should just be understood within a relationship). In the realm of my personal relationship and its journey towards the D/s lifestyle, I would accept any structure, rules, or limits that my Husband would place upon me. Actually, I think that I have a craving for some specific rules from Him. Do I expect it? I’m not sure how to answer that part of the question. He has yet to set anything definite for me and I don’t know what to expect as we progress. Right now it’s more of a “wait and see” type thing.

Another Good Night

Another great night in our house has prompted me to want to write about it. The day was very laid back and uneventful. I liked that we were finally able to kick back and not have anywhere we had to be, we could just enjoy spending time at home. In the evening, Husband went to a baseball game with one of His brothers and A and I went to dinner with my Dad before he left town. After the ball game, it seemed like we were just going to sit and watch TV. I have been making it a habit to sit on the floor at my Husband’s feet. It’s where I feel right. He had asked me what I would like to do the rest of the night. I have found that when He asks me that, He usually has something in mind that He would like to do. I simply said I was open for anything. He told me He wanted to do something different and went to the other room. He came back a few seconds later with a Guitar Hero guitar. We both enjoy video games, but we’ve been playing other games lately and it has been at least a year and half since either of us played this game (yes, we are gamer nerds….). This was going to be fun, I could tell already. The very first time that I met my Husband almost 8 years ago, He played this game and it was a turn on for me. Watching Him last night, I remember why. The way that He moved His fingers along the buttons was almost intoxicating.

Anyway, despite being very out of practice and not up to the usual par, I found myself watching Him in awe. He caught the look on my face and I saw a flash go across His face. I was sitting on the floor gazing up at Him when He turned His body toward me and pulled down His shorts over His manhood. Mmmm….. Yes, please! He started using my mouth and it was wonderful. I loved every second of it. After a while of that, He helped me up and moved me over to the corner part of our sectional couch. A new position….. oh yes! We had to work together to make this work, as my lower half was partially suspended over the side of the couch. I had no control over any movement besides holding myself up. Thank you, Sir…. it was incredible. Afterwards we took a shower that felt fabulous. He massaged my shampoo into my hair and His tenderness was made me smile. After the shower, I was brushing through my hair and He gave me a nice hard slap on my bare bottom. Some dialog and a few more slaps (progressively getting harder) later, my bottom was a lovely shade of pink and I felt amazing. It was not a “real” spanking session per se (only 4 slaps total) but the way I felt after it is almost indescribable. I hope that we will be able to work up to a nice long spanking session one day. Yes, I think I would like that….. a lot. 🙂 

Progress

Whatever emotional breakdown I was having on Monday night, Tuesday night and Wednesday made up for that. My Husband really stepped things up in and out of the bedroom. He did things that He had never done before and did them incredibly well (our “session” Tuesday night wasn’t a true scene but it’s a step in the right direction). I saw a small piece of the inner Dom I know lies within Him. I had this overwhelming urge to be just be near Him all day yesterday and He showed me some more of that Dom during the day. Even late last night I woke up to Him playing with me (it didn’t lead anywhere, but it was still wonderful to feel Him roaming and touching). I am once again basking in the submissive afterglow that I have come to adore and crave.

I have also found that I get a really good feeling when I sit or kneel on the floor while He sits or reclines on the couch. Usually this works the best when He is doing homework, but just being in that submissive position makes me feel so right. I have had the opportunity the last few nights and it has been quite lovely.
While it may not seem like much, it is still progress and it makes me feel so wonderful. Even the small step forward makes me feel like this new D/s dynamic is right for us and that it will work, even if the progress moves slowly.

Venting and #4 & #5

Before I get into my questions for today (I am doing two of them today because #5 is very short for me), I wanted to write a little bit about my night last night. Yesterday was my birthday and luckily my Husband was able to get off work a little earlier. We had a nice dinner (although A was acting out quite a bit) and by the time that we get home it is well past A’s bedtime. So I get her going to get ready for bed and into bed. She was up early this morning so the late night was good for her falling asleep relatively quickly.

My intentions were to sit and have a talk with my Husband that has been needed for a long time now. Well, the TV got turned on (the Home Run Derby was on last night) and so I thought I would initiate things once the Derby was over. Husband fell asleep right towards the end. I didn’t have the heart to wake Him up. So I got all upset with myself that I didn’t bring it up before turning the TV back on. I was legitimately angry. I could not get myself out of that anger period. My Husband tried to ask me what was wrong and I just shut down. He (rather forcefully) put His hand under my chin and lifted my face to me make look at Him and He asked me again (which actually helped some of the anger to be honest). Finally, I said that I was drowning in my own thoughts and I need to get them out, but I’m afraid to get them out. He didn’t push me anymore (which I wish He had, and anger came back full force). However, He did take me to the bedroom. We did 3 different positions in one session, which was has never happened before. Two of the positions were actually very submissive positions, and that really helped to bring me back a little bit. Plus, He knew I was upset but He took me anyway so that gave me a little taste of the submissive feelings I need, so I felt a bit better after that. Then shortly after a new anger had arisen in myself…. why on earth am I hiding from Him?? I don’t understand myself. He outright told me to tell Him what was wrong and I denied Him….. I want to be the best possible submissive I can possibly be and do not normally “act out” quite like that. So I spent half the night thinking about my disrespectful behavior and feeling bad about it. He will be home from work in a little while and once we get A down to bed, hopefully I can make it up to Him somehow.

Now on to the questions:

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

I suppose that I take on the dominant role with my daughter when my Husband is not at home. I run things around the house when He is at work. Even when He is at home, if I tell her something He will back me up on it and vice versa. We are both parents and have a responsibility to our children. While I do not label us in the DD relationship category, I do retain a level of control over the day-to-day life. In my mind, children need a parent, not a friend. They need boundaries and need guidance on a daily basis. However, I still feel I am submitting even when I take control of the daily living. I constantly think to myself “Will/would this make Him happy?” The mark of a good leader is to know when to delegate certain responsibilities. This is where I come in.  

I am not a “switch”. I have given it a great deal of thought. When I was first trying to introduce the D/s dynamic into our lives, I tried to take on the Dominant role in the bedroom. My idea was to give him an idea of what I was looking for, at least from the bedroom angle. It was an epic failure. It felt incredibly wrong on so many levels for me. I think that my Husband didn’t feel quite right with it either. It just did not fit for either one of us and did not work in the slightest. In fact, it also took away from the sex itself. I went in with an open mind but the experience only showed me that I do not feel at all right in the Dominant role and that is not where I am the happiest. I am at my very happiest when I am in my natural submissive role.

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

This is all very new to me. While I found that I have always craved it, I have never been in a true D/s relationship. We are still at the beginning of our journey yet. We are still working on what is going to work the best for us. My relationship is unique because it is the relationship between Him and me. Every person is unique in their own right, so every relationship is going to be special to the people involved in it.