Lately, life has been…very predictable. I’m pleased to see that E has started smiling within the last week and yesterday even starting cooing a little bit. We will have very lovely conversations in the very near future I’m sure. Time seems to be slipping away from me, though my days seem to last forever. Especially Friday-Sunday. With A going to preschool on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday that seems to help a little bit to where just the afternoons are long (because I’m running around in the morning trying to get her fed and ready to go). Days like today I look at the clock and think “Seriously?” It’s not that they are difficult days, besides A’s extreme attitude lately. I admit that I’ve been letting her play games on the computer an awful lot the last few days but it keeps her in higher spirits which I have needed. E had her 2 month appointment on Wednesday and with that got her first set of shots. She napped a lot but was still a bit more whiney in her awake time. The nights go fast, but they have been fun so it makes sense they would go fast. Since Husband caught all up on his homework, we have been able to play our co-op game in Borderlands 2 which has been nice to get back into (because that game is good single player, but better multiplayer).
Well, anyway, all these long days seem to give me more time to think. I know, I know, thinking too hard can be dangerous sometimes…but I just can’t stop it. I made the realization that the D/s dynamic is ever present, and I feel the Dom in all those little things that he will do mostly on a daily basis. There has been seemingly no forward progress in our relationship though. Like we are almost in a rut. I think I’m starting to realize that he’s got some hang-ups of his own that He seems to want to avoid talking about. I’m not entirely sure what they are, since he doesn’t want to talk. I’ve tried. He usually dismisses it. Communication is so key, and while I often withdraw out of fear of His reaction to many of the things that I bring to Him, I have always tried to make it a safe place for him to talk to me about things. I’m starting to think that there are some things that he is just not going to be able to give or do for me, and He knows it, but won’t tell me about it. Thankfully, I don’t feel myself falling into the downward spiral because of it. He’s “fed” my submissive just enough to keep me from falling into that. I don’t really know how I feel, my brain goes in 500 different directions at once. These thoughts have been roaming around in my head for a couple weeks now. I tried dismissing them, but a reaction to something I asked Him really got me doing some hardcore reflecting and thinking. Maybe too much? I don’t know. I’m not unhappy at all, but I’m not feeling completely fulfilled either.