I’ve been doing an awful lot of thinking. I was thinking about a lot of the old hang-ups that I used to have in the realm of sex and relationships. They weren’t coming back to haunt me, but I was thinking about how they became hang-ups in the first place and about how I pulled through them.
The first one that went through my mind is the term “good girl.” It amazes me how much that phrase affects me in such a good way now. I absolutely love hearing this from my Husband and I love being His good girl. It wasn’t always like that, I used to hate that phrase. An ex that I had a few years ago (before A’s birth father) that used that phrase quite frequently. It did not sit well with me at all. So I got to thinking about that, how could my opinion of such a phrase change so dramatically? How could I go from loathing it to loving/craving it? I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t the phrase itself that didn’t feel right, it was the person who spoke the words that didn’t feel right. The right person came along and those words being spoken by Him feel more than right.
This led me to think about the (non)-relationship that I had with A’s birth father. He managed to create quite a number of hang-ups. He made me feel so badly about myself that I hit the lowest low point of my life, both about my physical self and my mental self. One of the hang-ups that resulted from that was about my breasts. He made me feel so awful about everything having to do with them I got to the point where I was almost literally always wearing a bra unless I was in the shower. Even when Husband and I started seeing each other, I tried the best that I could to keep my bra on at all times. This one stuck with me for an extremely long time. It wasn’t until we started walking the D/s path that I could put this one almost completely behind me. The only time this one seems to manifest itself anymore is when I am feeling “off” and feel the need to hide. That seems to be the part of my body that I have the biggest urge to hide. I got past this one ultimately because the right person came along.
The next things that I thought about weren’t necessarily hang-ups but they were not something I was at all interested in at all. I never used to like giving blow jobs (as is pretty normal among vanilla women if you think about it). At all. It was like a chore that I dreaded doing and tried to avoid. Now, I crave it desperately. I absolutely enjoy it and very gladly and very willingly oblige. I get excited at the prospect and would do it multiple times a day for Him if He asked me to do so. The other thing is anything having to do with anal. Never in my life would I have imagined having any interest in it whatsoever. There have been times where things would slip and accidentally slide that direction and it was not a good outcome. Well, my opinion has changed. I bought my first plugs (though I will have to wait a bit to use them). I have an intense desire to train myself so that my Husband can have full access to literally every part of me.
While this journey that we are taking to the world of D/s is not an easy one, there are many uncertain things and we are treading in unknown waters. Of this I am sure: I have found my right person.