Quiet here

It seems that I have been quiet around my blog for a while now. Not that I don’t have a ton of things that I could write about or that there has been a lack of excitement around our house lately. Husband and I have had our hands kind of full the last few days. It’s just that I have not really had the time to sit down and write anything. We welcomed daughter #2 to our family on the 18th (I will call her “E” on here). We have been in what is essentially an “adjustment” mode, but it has been quite a smooth transition for all of us. It is almost seamless other than the mild extra attitude that A has had, but that was expected and hasn’t been nearly as bad as I thought.

As far as our D/s goes, we are still active in it and the “out of the bedroom” mindset is still very much present. I’m looking at this as a good learning experience for both of us. I have had some definite slip ups in attitude over the last week, but I actually think that I have been pretty good all things considered. He has also cut me a great deal of slack, though I have gotten the “look” a couple times. The look that says “I’m giving you a break, but you better watch it”. He has also continued to show the little random displays of dominance. For one example, when He kisses me He will often grip the back of my neck. It seems small, but it still does wonders for me. Obviously, we are limited in bedroom activity for a few weeks.  As much as I am so craving it, He seems to be somewhat enjoying teasing me. On the plus side (well plus side for me, considering I love doing it), my mouth/hands aren’t out of order 🙂 It’ll be interesting to see how the next few weeks go (considering that my sky high libido did not back down too much and is back on the rise again), but I’m sure that as far away as it seems time will just fly as it has a habit of doing. I am still around in the blog-world reading and commenting, but it’s possible that my posts will be a little farther spaced out than normal. We’ll see what happens. 🙂

 

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The Right Person

I’ve been doing an awful lot of thinking. I was thinking about a lot of the old hang-ups that I used to have in the realm of sex and relationships. They weren’t coming back to haunt me, but I was thinking about how they became hang-ups in the first place and about how I pulled through them.

The first one that went through my mind is the term “good girl.” It amazes me how much that phrase affects me in such a  good way now. I absolutely love hearing this from my Husband and I love being His good girl. It wasn’t always like that, I used to hate that phrase. An ex that I had a few years ago (before A’s birth father) that used that phrase quite frequently. It did not sit well with me at all. So I got to thinking about that, how could my opinion of such a phrase change so dramatically? How could I go from loathing it to loving/craving it? I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t the phrase itself that didn’t feel right, it was the person who spoke the words that didn’t feel right. The right person came along and those words being spoken by Him feel more than right.

This led me to think about the (non)-relationship that I had with A’s birth father. He managed to create quite a number of hang-ups. He made me feel so badly about myself that I hit the lowest low point of my life, both about my physical self and my mental self. One of the hang-ups that resulted from that was about my breasts. He made me feel so awful about everything having to do with them I got to the point where I was almost literally always wearing a bra unless I was in the shower. Even when Husband and I started seeing each other, I tried the best that I could to keep my bra on at all times. This one stuck with me for an extremely long time. It wasn’t until we started walking the D/s path that I could put this one almost completely behind me. The only time this one seems to manifest itself anymore is when I am feeling “off” and feel the need to hide. That seems to be the part of my body that I have the biggest urge to hide. I got past this one ultimately because the right person came along.

The next things that I thought about weren’t necessarily hang-ups but they were not something I was at all interested in at all. I never used to like giving blow jobs (as is pretty normal among vanilla women if you think about it). At all. It was like a chore that I dreaded doing and tried to avoid. Now, I crave it desperately. I absolutely enjoy it and very gladly and very willingly oblige. I get excited at the prospect and would do it multiple times a day for Him if He asked me to do so. The other thing is anything having to do with anal. Never in my life would I have imagined having any interest in it whatsoever. There have been times where things would slip and accidentally slide that direction and it was not a good outcome. Well, my opinion has changed. I bought my first plugs (though I will have to wait a bit to use them). I have an intense desire to train myself so that my Husband can have full access to literally every part of me.
While this journey that we are taking to the world of D/s is not an easy one, there are many uncertain things and we are treading in unknown waters. Of this I am sure: I have found my right person.

Unexpected

The last few days I have been feeling that “off” feeling again. I can’t really put it into words exactly how it is that I feel, but “off” seems to be the best way of describing it. I don’t really even know what brought it on to be honest. My Husband had to work late on Saturday night, but when He got home we decided on watching a movie His friend had brought over. By the way, if someone ever asks you to watch the movie “Sharknado” either just say no or be prepared to see one of the worst movies ever. I was still apprehensive about it because even if they are ridiculous my overactive imagination will come up with crazy dreams anyway. Scary movies tend to affect me. (Aside: My Husband absolutely loves scary movies, and He was giving me a bit of grief about feeling nervous about this one. I don’t blame Him, even the name of the movie sounds ridiculous. However, He pulled me close to Him and said something to the affect of “We may need to start getting you past this fear of yours…” Hmm…) Anyway, we cuddled on the couch watching this terrible movie. For the duration of the entire movie, He played with my breasts. And not lightly either, He was going nuts. A few times He stopped and told me to concentrate on the movie only to continue after a few minutes. Well, that was easier said than done! Finally, the movie ended.

For around the last month or so, it has been part of our nightly routine to take a shower together. So once the movie ended, He said it was time to shower up. It was extremely late, so I had assumed it would just be a quick wash up and get to bed kind of night. Once we both finished cleaning up He gave me a “look”, and I’m sure that some of you probably completely understand the “look”. It’s one of pure lust and desire. I love that look. He flipped me around and bent me over at the waist so that the stream of water was running down my back. He wasted no time and took me quickly from behind. I could sense His urgency, this was going to be quick (which for the record, I love it when He does that!). Once finished, He gave me a nice swat to my behind and we cleaned up and went to bed.

The next morning, we got up to get to church and despite being extremely tired from so little sleep, I felt amazing. It was a good feeling. After church, we had decided to pick up some fast food really quick before Husband had to get to work. Unfortunately, we were 4 minutes too early to order lunch and I knew that A wouldn’t eat anything off the breakfast menu. They would not let us order lunch, but we didn’t have time to wait around. That’s where my mood started to deteriorate. I felt bad because now Husband wasn’t going to be able to eat before work. For some odd reason that I can’t even begin to explain, it started a downward spiral of emotion. I just couldn’t seem to shake it. I watched football most of the day, which was enjoyable but did not seem to help my down mood.

When Husband came home later that night, after a while He noticed something was up and said “Are you pouty?” I shrugged my shoulders and bottled up like I hate doing, but did anyway. He said “Let’s shower up and go to bed” and we did just that. Monday came around and I still was still not feeling right. Most of the day went on without much of a hitch, and Husband was able to get out of work a little early to be home in time to watch the second half of the Redskins/Eagles game. I came up out of my rut very temporarily because I was so glad He was able to get home. I knew He had a bunch of homework to do and since He didn’t get to watch any football on Sunday He would want to watch the Monday games. Once He got started on His homework, I sat and watched the game and let my mind wander. The “off” feeling came back. He definitely took notice. He finished with His homework a few hours later and leaned forward to turn my face to His. “Are you seriously pouty again today? Not good. Let’s shower up.”
I learned something about myself, when I feel “off” I feel the desperate need to hide. Not only my emotions, but physically hide. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I never noticed it until Sunday and Monday nights but when we went to shower I had my arms crossed over my chest, covering as much of myself as I could manage. However, on Monday night things took a turn. He had gotten in first and washed His hair and I climbed in when He finished with that. Again, there I was desperately trying to cover myself. He grabbed His soap and stepped aside so I could start washing myself. I faced away from Him as I wet down my hair when suddenly I felt Him yank my hair and in the most commanding voice I have ever heard said “Turn around and face me. Now!” I did not hesitate to turn around and He put His hand under my chin and lifted so I was looking straight into His eyes. “Continue.” So I lathered up my shampoo and wash my face. I put body wash on my loofa and stepped aside for Him to rinse off. As I washed myself, I kept looking at Him and once He had rinsed He looked back at me and said “Why are you pouty?” I suppose pouty is the best was the describe it because I’m not being bratty or mouthy (most of the time, occasionally I’ll get short with Him and mouth off, but that didn’t happen in these few days). I shrugged my shoulders again as we switched places. He said “Talk.” So I told Him that I was feeling off and that I just didn’t know how to explain it to Him. I just did not feel completely right. We finished the shower and crawled into bed. He turned to face me and grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me into a kiss. Again, I attempted to explain how I felt and we talked a bit about it. I told Him how I noticed that I hide, both mentally and physically and He agreed. Then He grabbed my face and kissed me a little harder, when we pulled back we just looked into each other’s eyes. I apologized for being pouty and He thanked me for my apology. He held me for a little while longer, caressing my face. I felt better. Then He said that it was time to get some sleep and told me that I had to as well. My response was “Yes, Sir” and He gave me a “Good girl” and I felt exponentially better.
It was an unexpected display of dominance, but I absolutely needed it. And then today happens. I had a doctor’s appointment and was put on 24 hour bedrest and told to drink lots and lots of fluids (don’t worry! it’s purely precautionary!). Me and bedrest do not mix so I was not happy in the slightest. When we got home, we were standing in the kitchen and I told Him that despite the fact that it sucks, I feel so much better (emotionally) than I did yesterday. He said “Good.” and that He was going to go pick up something to eat for lunch. We ate lunch and He slapped my butt a few times, handed me a bottle of water and said “Now you go lie down.” This was not a request and His command actually caught me off guard. After I had gotten up for the third time He asked me why I was up again and gave me a look that said “Do not get up again.” As He was saying goodbye to me He said “Now you are going to rest and drink lots of water, aren’t you?” Very obviously a rhetorical question, this was also a command. I leaned in and hugged Him and whispered “Yes, Sir.” He smiled and left for work.

History of us

“All my soul follows you, love encircles you and I live in being yours.” -Robert Browning

My Husband and I don’t have what you would call a typical love story romance. I was 19 and He was a few years older. I was currently in a non-relationship with His roommate’s friend. We stayed at their place occasionally over weekends. I actually vividly remember the very first time that I met Him. He was playing Guitar Hero and totally rocking the “expert” setting. Silly as it is, I loved watching Him play that game. Even after the game was done, there was something about Him that caused an intense attraction deep inside my heart. He was mild mannered and quiet. He was usually the reserved one that most people would forget was even in the room. I was never one of those people. Something about Him just drew me in, I think that’s when I truly knew that we were soul mates. Obviously, I was in a sort of relationship so acting upon my reaction at the time was out of the question. So I still admired Him, just from a distance. Even after I broke off the other relationship, I tried to keep contact. I found myself caught up in another relationship from hell and was forced to drop all contact. He never really left my mind.

Fast forward a few years. I had finally been able to break free of the abusive relationship I was in and was on my own with A. That first night after she went to bed I was sitting in my tiny apartment looking at all the boxes to be unpacked yet. It was then that I thought of Him. I found myself wondering what He might be doing, if He had a girlfriend, or maybe get married? Over the  next few days I found myself constantly thinking. I began to wonder if there was a way that I could get back into contact with Him. All those feelings that I felt years prior when we first met came flooding back. Despite having just gotten out of the bad relationship I knew that this was the chance I thought I would never get. I started to contemplate how I would be able to get a hold of Him. Some way, some how I was determined. Sometimes it works out that where there’s a will there’s a way. I was able to get His cell phone number. Nervous as all heck I began to text Him. He was unaware of who I was at first, but I got a picture to Him and He remembered. I won’t get into details about that exchange, but I was very forward and very…. naughty with my virtual advances. I couldn’t deny it…. I wanted Him.

We talked more and worked out that He would come to visit me at my apartment. I lived almost 2 hours away from where He did and it was more difficult for me to pack up because I had A, who was less than a year old at the time. The fact that He was willing to make that trip for me really touched me. That first night that He came down was incredible. I could feel a connection that I knew in my heart was right and was going to last. I felt as though we were made for each other.
For 3 years, we had a distance relationship. I had moved, but only about 30 miles closer to Him. We were still 90 miles apart. Sometimes, that distance felt like we were in separate universes. It was not easy to deal with at times, but I fought hard for it. We waited until after we got married to live together, so our dating relationship was always faced with distance.
So getting to the quote at the head of my post, “All my soul follows you, love encircles you…” Every time He left or I had to leave His place I felt as though my soul followed Him, my love constantly with Him. Home was not the physical place I stayed, home was truly with Him. Even now that we are married and live in the same house, this still rings true even though more often than not He is only leaving for the day. I have been His for a long time now, but embarking on this journey into D/s has made me more His than ever before, “…and I live in being yours.”

September, already?

I can hardly believe that it’s September already! Where in the world has 2013 gone? Though it seems like a long time since January, in hindsight it seems to have just flown by at light speed. Football starts officially on Thursday (ready for some Fantasy Football? :)) So much has happened since then and so much more is yet to come. Some things I know about and much more that I do not know. The unknown usually makes me feel nervous and not in a good way. However, having started my journey to a D/s-M relationship with my Husband I can see many changes happening in that aspect of my life. I do not know any details about the changes. I do help guide Him a little bit (sending Him links and such), but we still go at His pace. His pace seems to be much slower than I would like, but I also know that if we did things at my pace than it would completely destroy the dynamic we are trying to create. I am working very hard on my patience. It’s not easy, but I’m actively striving for more of it. Even though I am working on my patience, I can’t help but look forward to the future. I am excited to walk (or crawl) this journey with my Husband and explore new things hand in hand with Him.