For a very long time now I have been wanting to really open up to my Husband about my submissive self. We had a talk approximately 8 months or so ago about my desire for Him to be the head of our household and for Him to take charge in the bedroom. There really were no details discussed from that point. We did have progress over those months (and I did my very best to be as patient as possible, because I did know for this to be real we had to take things at His pace not mine). However, I felt over the last couple months that we have both felt a little lost. I realized that I wasn’t letting Him fully in on my inner submissive workings. Being new at this, He had no idea where to go and I had no idea how to help Him without leading Him. I started thinking a lot about things and everything began to build up inside me. I knew things were going to blow up if I didn’t do something about it. On Monday night as we were going to bed I worked up the courage and asked Him if tomorrow (Tuesday) we could talk about things. He said we would and then we went to sleep. A few weeks ago I had sent Him some links to a site that were helpful to me when I was discovering myself and thought they could help Him significantly too. He didn’t read them…. until last night…..
We were watching our baseball team play on TV (kind of, they were winning 7-0 so we weren’t too worried about a loss) and He was reading something on His phone. I had assumed He was doing more research for His fantasy football leagues that will soon be having their drafts. I was waiting until He was done so that we could talk without distraction. The more time that passed, the more antsy and nervous I was becoming. I actually found myself starting to feel put out because whatever was on His phone seemed to be more important than me….
Eventually, He put down His phone and looked at me. He put His fingers under my chin and lifted so I looked back up at Him (I was seated on the floor in front of Him, this has become a norm for us lately and I have loved it). He said “Are you ready now?” My answer was “Yes and No.” He asked me to explain the no part and I just said that my brain was a jumbled mess and I don’t know where to begin. He then told me what He had been reading on His phone, it was all the links that I sent Him a few weeks ago! I almost broke into tears right then (“He knows how much this means to me!” was the thought going through my head). I had sent Him 7 different links and He read them all. So, as afraid as I was to completely bare the entirety of myself, I picked a starting off point and began talking. I felt like it was coming out as verbal vomit, but I still think I was making some sense. While I was talking He listened intently to everything that I had to say. I don’t think that I could describe the look in His eyes as I talked and talked, but it was a heartwarming sight. I unloaded almost everything that I had been building up in my brain over the last weeks. Looking back, there were a few things that I left out (not on purpose, just things that slipped momentarily from my mind until it had gotten too late) and some things that I think came across as unclear. I’m thinking that I will try to talk about those things a little bit tonight yet if I can.
As far as the details of what I said, most of it was just about my personal view on my own submission, what I need and desire, and the D/s-M lifestyle. I also made it a point to explain to Him that I am still me, I’m still the same person (I really think this may have possibly worried Him a little bit). My submissiveness is just a part of who I am, one that I stifled and tried for so long to deny. I also wanted Him to know that the D/s-M lifestyle is personalized to us. There are guidelines and rules and examples out there, but we don’t have to perfectly adhere to someone else’s relationship or rules. We can use them to guide us into finding what works for us, however, if we find something isn’t working for us then we change it. No one is judging us, this is OUR relationship.
I am so glad that I finally jumped this hurdle and was able to open up and talk about all this with Him. I did not get the negative reaction that I was afraid I was going to get. We will still move at His pace. There will still be ups and downs. Though now I feel like we aren’t as lost as before and have a better idea of where to go. This path and journey that we are on feels even more right!