Still holding back….

It’s been a few days since the last time I posted anything. To be honest, I don’t have too terribly much to report. I just wanted to write, especially since my last real post was kind of a downer. We still haven’t been able to have a real talk even since then. This morning was our last morning without A, and sex took precedence over talking. That didn’t leave very much time before I had to go and pick up A and He had to go to work. Though I am definitely not complaining, it was some pretty fantastic sex (even when we were finished and I got a phone call, He decided that He was going to continue to play with me while I was on the phone…needless to say I was quite distracted and having a hard time focusing on the phone conversation, haha!). In combination with sleeping in, it made for an excellent start to the day. The rest of the day has been relatively uneventful otherwise. I’ve missed A, but as I suspected she came back tired and whiny. Luckily, the tired seemed to outweigh the whine just enough for a pretty quiet day.
I’m really trying to figure out why it is so difficult for me to talk about my submissive nature. I just don’t understand why. It is such an intrinsic part of me that it shouldn’t be this difficult. I can talk so freely and openly about anything and everything else. I’ve never had trouble talking about things, even some of the more difficult conversations I have had in my past have not been as big of a hurdle. Obviously we have discussed some things about it and we are making progress. I just feel as though the time has come to have another discussion that can help Him to understand even more about this aspect of me.
I feel very strongly that this D/s-M dynamic is the right path for us. I believe in it with my entire being. There will be up times and there will be down times, but I will not give up.


8 thoughts on “Still holding back….

  1. I felt this way in the beginning too…and still do sometimes, though its becoming increasingly rare. It does get better, easier ro talk. I was so shy about it and didn’t want to scare him, but I NEEDED to talk a little everyday. I’m a bottler so just talking about this each day was a sign to him how important this was to me.
    I like being on the phone when my Sir distracts me! That’s a fun game to play! ♥

    • I think my biggest fear of really cracking wide open is that I’m going to scare Him. But I also know I can’t keep holding back. I’ll get there eventually, but at the moment I’m just frustrating myself which adds to the jumbled up mess in my head.
      Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it! 😊

      • Anytime! : ) I was afraid of tje same….or just making him feel like it was never enough. But I just couldn’t contain myself! It was too much to hold in. So I just started telling him whenever my heart was about to burst! He responded positively in every instance! Writing things down helped my jumbled mess! Does he follow your blog? You can always post about the thought in your head….then send him the link! !

        • He doesn’t read my blog, though He does know that I have it. Writing things down helped a little bit, but I still feel it’s all jumbled up. I’m now thinking that I’m going to have to just start talking (verbally spewing the contents of my head) to actually unjumble everything. And hope for a positive response!

  2. I have this hurdle. Every single time I need to talk I feel like I’m jumping over it again, but maybe each time the hurdle is a little lower. My fear is of scaring Him, too. Like – will this be the thing that is too much?! It never is and He assures me there is nothing that would make him run for the hills. I trust and believe Him, but my head still worries. Patience all around, I think, is the key…especially with yourself!

    • I think I am in desperate need of that reassurance that He isn’t going to run for the hills. You’re right, I do need to have just as much patience with myself as I have for Him. I am my own worst enemy and have realized that I am extremely hard on myself.

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