I broke up this question into two different parts for easier answering:
What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood?
This is a question that I asked myself not so long ago. I have put a great deal of thought into it. I think the ultimate roots of my submission are actually a part of my nature, to my inner core. I think it is just a piece of the puzzle that makes up me. I think there are certain things in the way that I grew up that fed my submissive nature though. I had a wonderful childhood. I grew up in a very stable family and had what would probably be considered a “normal” life. I was a very well behaved child/young adult. I rarely got into any trouble with my parents. In my conscious memory, I can count on one hand how many times I needed any real punishment while growing up. The words “I’m very disappointed in you” were enough to completely break my heart and correct any certain behavior. Even through my teenage years, this was worse than any punishment I could have received. I have always been a “people-pleaser” type of person even from a very early age.
I only recently discovered that the feelings I had were submissive type feelings. I had posted in an earlier entry that it had gotten me into some trouble even before I knew I was submissive. As I grew older, I started becoming attracted to men with what I perceived to be a “dominant” attitude. There were two relationships to note. One was with a married man. He was no inherently dominant per se, but he did have a “male pride” type thing going on that I confused with being a dominant attitude. Needless to say, that did not work out at all. Our relationship slowly deteriorated (there were other reasons for this as well but I will leave those details out). As that relationship ended I started a new one with a person who was not who I thought. He was outwardly dominant and of course I was attracted to that. I didn’t realize that it was uncontrolled dominance, but I wouldn’t have really known the difference back then. I was warned off from him by his sister (who still remains a good friend of mine to this day) but I stupidly didn’t listen. This was the relationship that changed my life forever. About 2 months after we started dating I found out I was pregnant. That was where everything went to hell. He started to get more angry and domineering. Everything that he said was threatening. That’s where the verbal and emotional abuse started. It didn’t take me very long to realize that there was something wrong with his behavior. None of it was out of real love for me. My daughter was born and things were quieter for a while, but that didn’t last too long. There were many things that were done and said in front of her that I really wish had not happened. I couldn’t take them back but with a lot of help from a friend I finally had the courage to do what I should have done when I found out I was pregnant. When A was 10 months old I finally left her birth father.
I only touch on this relationship because I am convinced that it was my unknown submissive nature and lack of knowledge about it that got me into that trouble in the first place. I didn’t judge his personality very well because I was blinded by the attraction to the “testosterone” fueled behavior. I do not believe that it is the root of my submissive self. I do not believe that it caused me to be submissive in any way. In fact, coming out of that relationship I had to take control of my own life again. I was a single parent and had to take care of everything on my own.
The story of my Husband and I could be a post all its own so maybe I will write that story on a different day. I will say that He is the only one that I have ever felt this strongly about submitting fully and completely to, the only man that truly deserves the gift of my submission.
Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
The term relationship management tool implies to me that something needs to be fixed. My submission is not a cure for something going wrong in our relationship. I view my submission as a gift that I give to my Husband. It is not just something that is a tool to be pulled out when/if needed. I have the desire and need to submit to Him all the time, not just sometimes.
Sexual thrill? ABSOLUTELY. I am greatly turned on when He shows dominance. I dream constantly about it. It is very much a sexual thrill for me. However, there is so much more to my submission that just sexual. I love the feeling of pleasing my Husband (“That’s my girl” or “Good girl” are my very favorite phrases). When I feel submissive I feel like everything in my own private world is right. My submission is a thing that I love to give to my Husband in or out of the sexual context.