Venting and #4 & #5

Before I get into my questions for today (I am doing two of them today because #5 is very short for me), I wanted to write a little bit about my night last night. Yesterday was my birthday and luckily my Husband was able to get off work a little earlier. We had a nice dinner (although A was acting out quite a bit) and by the time that we get home it is well past A’s bedtime. So I get her going to get ready for bed and into bed. She was up early this morning so the late night was good for her falling asleep relatively quickly.

My intentions were to sit and have a talk with my Husband that has been needed for a long time now. Well, the TV got turned on (the Home Run Derby was on last night) and so I thought I would initiate things once the Derby was over. Husband fell asleep right towards the end. I didn’t have the heart to wake Him up. So I got all upset with myself that I didn’t bring it up before turning the TV back on. I was legitimately angry. I could not get myself out of that anger period. My Husband tried to ask me what was wrong and I just shut down. He (rather forcefully) put His hand under my chin and lifted my face to me make look at Him and He asked me again (which actually helped some of the anger to be honest). Finally, I said that I was drowning in my own thoughts and I need to get them out, but I’m afraid to get them out. He didn’t push me anymore (which I wish He had, and anger came back full force). However, He did take me to the bedroom. We did 3 different positions in one session, which was has never happened before. Two of the positions were actually very submissive positions, and that really helped to bring me back a little bit. Plus, He knew I was upset but He took me anyway so that gave me a little taste of the submissive feelings I need, so I felt a bit better after that. Then shortly after a new anger had arisen in myself…. why on earth am I hiding from Him?? I don’t understand myself. He outright told me to tell Him what was wrong and I denied Him….. I want to be the best possible submissive I can possibly be and do not normally “act out” quite like that. So I spent half the night thinking about my disrespectful behavior and feeling bad about it. He will be home from work in a little while and once we get A down to bed, hopefully I can make it up to Him somehow.

Now on to the questions:

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

I suppose that I take on the dominant role with my daughter when my Husband is not at home. I run things around the house when He is at work. Even when He is at home, if I tell her something He will back me up on it and vice versa. We are both parents and have a responsibility to our children. While I do not label us in the DD relationship category, I do retain a level of control over the day-to-day life. In my mind, children need a parent, not a friend. They need boundaries and need guidance on a daily basis. However, I still feel I am submitting even when I take control of the daily living. I constantly think to myself “Will/would this make Him happy?” The mark of a good leader is to know when to delegate certain responsibilities. This is where I come in.  

I am not a “switch”. I have given it a great deal of thought. When I was first trying to introduce the D/s dynamic into our lives, I tried to take on the Dominant role in the bedroom. My idea was to give him an idea of what I was looking for, at least from the bedroom angle. It was an epic failure. It felt incredibly wrong on so many levels for me. I think that my Husband didn’t feel quite right with it either. It just did not fit for either one of us and did not work in the slightest. In fact, it also took away from the sex itself. I went in with an open mind but the experience only showed me that I do not feel at all right in the Dominant role and that is not where I am the happiest. I am at my very happiest when I am in my natural submissive role.

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

This is all very new to me. While I found that I have always craved it, I have never been in a true D/s relationship. We are still at the beginning of our journey yet. We are still working on what is going to work the best for us. My relationship is unique because it is the relationship between Him and me. Every person is unique in their own right, so every relationship is going to be special to the people involved in it.

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2 thoughts on “Venting and #4 & #5

  1. Ack…you aren’t showing up in my reader anymore, even though it says I’m following you! I have been guilty of not saying what’s wrong when Sir asks…even when I want to and even though it is very UNsubmissive to deny Him answers. I get so angry with myself for doing it, and truth be told…I get angry with my Husband for allowing it, for not pushing. Totally unfair and childish. We all have bad days, and have to just keep swimming, learning & growing. I know your week got better, but wanted to comment anyway. Oh … Happy belated Birthday!! 🙂

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