Bad night

Yesterday was kind of a blah day. My Husband was heading to donate plasma early in the morning. I had a doctor appointment later in the morning. My appointment went well, everything is looking very good (though I still have to have ultrasounds at every appointment now to monitor even though nothing is wrong, just as a precaution due to my issues last time; I don’t mind too much, the images I got yesterday were absolutely incredible). I had taken A to my parents’ on Monday for the week and then the weekend with her aunt and uncle. We have season baseball tickets and had tickets to two games this week. So just the two of us this week, so I had anticipated having a good long talk with Him about everything that’s been building up in my head lately about this D/s dynamic. I had hoped to do it yesterday because of His work schedule. Well, that backfired on me as He ended up being gone just about the entire day until we almost had to leave for the game. We had a wonderful time at the game and when we were on our way home He said that we needed to take a shower right when we got home. I agreed and had intended to talk at least a little bit afterwards. I never made it that far. We went to bed and I deflated and withdrew yet again. He rolled over and went to sleep. I stayed up and cried….and cried…. and cried. I couldn’t stop. It was not a cleansing type of crying either. I did not feel better once the tears dried up. I just simply did not have any more tears left, so it just kind of stopped. I still feel awful even after sleeping a little bit.

My Husband is working until kind of late tonight, but I did send Him an email, but as He is at work and busy He won’t have time to respond more than likely. I felt slightly better just having the courage to send it. Now that I’ve typed it out here I feel a tiny bit better too, not much but the little bit that I could vent relieved a little bit of the pressure in my brain. It has still been a rough day. We have another baseball game tomorrow afternoon and then one of our favorite TV shows starts a new season tomorrow night. There are still a few more days until A comes home on Sunday so we still have “us only” time yet. Hopefully the next few days/nights are better.

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Dreams

dreaming

I have always had vivid dreams since as far back as I can remember. It has always been the biggest reason why I’m not a fan of scary movies. My vivid dreaming as well as my wild imagination are the “death of me” when it comes to horror movies. Sometimes, I will wake up with sensations based on what had happened in the dream. The last two nights have been those type dreams. They have been extremely intense, some of the most intense dreams that I can remember having, at least in recent memory.

And they have to do with my Husband and His belt.

He has never used it on me for real. He has playfully snapped it, but never actually used it. My dreams were a completely different story. Both nights, they seemed to have followed along the same relative “plot”. It starts with my kneeling in the bedroom, completely naked, my head down. He was standing in front of me, still in His work clothes as far as I could tell. He was informing me that He noticed I had not completed a task that He specifically told me was priority for the day (that exact task was evidently “simple” as per a word I recall Him using, but the detail on what it was precisely has been lost in my brain somewhere). He said this was a punishable offense, I had disobeyed and there was no excuse for not following His order. My heart is trying to beat out of my chest at this point because even my dream self had never truly been punished.

He grabbed some hair and pulled just enough so that I was looking up at Him. He looked at me for a bit and then He commanded I get onto the bed with my head down and my ass up. I immediately complied without the slightest hesitation. He said nothing for what seemed like an eternity. I felt completely exposed, but didn’t dare move an inch. Then I heard it….. that sound….. I have heard it many times during our years together but it somehow sounded different. The sound of  the unbuckling belt then sliding through the loops. He placed it down somewhere.

As He rubbed my behind, He told me He was going to warm up with His hand but that wouldn’t be the complete punishment. He did not tell me a number. His hand left my behind and I heard it come down almost before I felt it. He made perfect contact as if He had done this a million times. He did this 5 more times (3 total to each cheek if I remember correctly), just enough to warm up my bottom but not enough to make it extremely sore.

I heard Him pick up the belt. He informed me that I would be receiving 3 strikes. I was to count them out loud, but not to make any other noise. Anything noise would add another blow to the count. He asked if I understood, and after my almost breathless “Yes, Sir”, I sensed Him move positions. Like before I heard it before I felt it, but this time the sting was quite a bit greater than His hand. Immediately, my eyes welled up. It took all I had to say the word “one”. A few moments later came the second blow and then the third.

He lifted me up tenderly into His arms and said “That’s my girl.”

This was the point both nights that I woke up. I was sweating and I could feel the tingling sensations on my ass. I also noticed a need to change my panties because I had become so wet that I soaked them.

Very interesting dreams indeed.

Image from Google

Service, Financial Submission, Sexual Availability

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

Absolutely. I like being able to serve my Husband in any way that I can. I don’t want it to seem like I am “babying” Him or treating Him as a child. He is not another of my children but He is my Husband whom I love and respect deeply. I understand that He is fully capable of doing these things for Himself, but I enjoy and take pride in doing things for Him. He deserves it. Anything that would be added to my to-do list by Him would be considered priority and that’s where I would start for the day.

Dictionary.com defines service in a few different ways. #1 is “an act of helpful activity; help; aid: to do someone a service.” I can’t think of a better definition of my own. He works hard to support our growing family. I am very happy to help make His life just a little bit easier, especially at home.


Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

Well, I am a stay-at-home wife and mom so almost all of our income is from my Husband. I do get a little bit of child support every couple weeks, but not a lot. We have a joint banking account so all of our finances are shared. He handles all the money and makes sure all the bills get paid (with the exception of my credit card that I can just pay from my smartphone, but He tells me when I can make that payment). If I need to spend more than $100 I always ask first. I have full access to our account (including the password to check the balance and my own debit card), so if there are things that we need around the house I have the freedom to just go and get it. He trusts me that I won’t overspend on too frivolous of things. I will usually also go to Him if there is something specific that I want too. For the most part, He controls all of our finances. So this isn’t a very strict part of my submission, but we have our own version of it.

I think that financial submission can be good or bad depending on the type of relationship that each individual person is in. It may be a wonderful part of submission for one person but not be workable for another person. One of those “to each his/her own” type things in my opinion. Our version of it works for us in our relationship and I plan to keep it as a part of my submission (even in the event that I were to get a job, the finances would be my Husband’s domain). Though I will add, for larger purchase decisions we discuss them. He has the final say, but I do give Him my input on the matter. He would never go just buy a car without talking with me first.

Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

This is definitely a part of my submission. I am always sexually available to my Husband. The “always” in this case being 24/7. The term that keeps evading me when I’m actually speaking with Him but one that I have been wanting to tell Him is “blanket consent”. He has the right to any part of my body at any given time for whatever sexual use that He desires. I do not have very many limits to this (He does know them and fully agrees with them). I have certain things that I have requested be done beforehand if certain acts are required of me but I trust Him and am willing to explore almost any avenue that He could possibly fantasize about (though I do have those few limits).

#7-9: Discipline, spanking, rules

I felt as though questions 7-9 were somewhat related to each other, so I put them all into one post. So here we go…

7) Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

Now this is another excellent question. I don’t know that I would necessarily expect discipline or punishments, at least not any time soon. I’m not inherently naughty or bratty. I definitely test Him quite often, but am not naturally like that. In my mind, honest mistakes don’t deserve a punishment. If I did something on purpose like not doing something I was expressly told was priority then that would be grounds for a punishment of some sort. I would accept it. My aim is to please my Husband and if I have been deliberately disobedient than it was deserved. I would expect if there were to be any punishment that it would fit the “crime”. I feel like it is not needed often in my own personal relationship, but I would definitely accept it (while at the time I may not like it, it would help me to be a better person and how I can be a better and more pleasing wife/sub to my Husband).

8) Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

This is kind of a tricky question to answer. Currently, we don’t implement actual spanking or corporal punishment (besides the lovely shade of pink I received the other day). We are still in the beginning stages. We only don’t use this type of thing yet because we are still working on figuring things out. That being said, I do think that a real good true spanking session would really help us in these beginning stages (not the love taps that take place during sex, I mean a real session where my butt turns a lovely shade of red). I am convinced that it would really help us in establishing our roles so much better. To me, it would be another tool on the table to use to re-establish the roles if the need ever arises as well. I would like real spanking (hand or implement) to be a part of our dynamic, but that is not for me to decide. In the meantime as I develop my submission to my Husband and He develops His dominance I will prepare myself as best I can for anything that might come my way.

9) Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Honestly, I think that structure, rules, and limits are good for any relationship. Even in vanilla relationship each person has their own “rules” that they expect from the other. If you want your partner to remain faithful to you, then it is a “rule” that they should not be messing around with someone else (more often than not, at least with the people in my life, this is an unspoken rule that should just be understood within a relationship). In the realm of my personal relationship and its journey towards the D/s lifestyle, I would accept any structure, rules, or limits that my Husband would place upon me. Actually, I think that I have a craving for some specific rules from Him. Do I expect it? I’m not sure how to answer that part of the question. He has yet to set anything definite for me and I don’t know what to expect as we progress. Right now it’s more of a “wait and see” type thing.

Another Good Night

Another great night in our house has prompted me to want to write about it. The day was very laid back and uneventful. I liked that we were finally able to kick back and not have anywhere we had to be, we could just enjoy spending time at home. In the evening, Husband went to a baseball game with one of His brothers and A and I went to dinner with my Dad before he left town. After the ball game, it seemed like we were just going to sit and watch TV. I have been making it a habit to sit on the floor at my Husband’s feet. It’s where I feel right. He had asked me what I would like to do the rest of the night. I have found that when He asks me that, He usually has something in mind that He would like to do. I simply said I was open for anything. He told me He wanted to do something different and went to the other room. He came back a few seconds later with a Guitar Hero guitar. We both enjoy video games, but we’ve been playing other games lately and it has been at least a year and half since either of us played this game (yes, we are gamer nerds….). This was going to be fun, I could tell already. The very first time that I met my Husband almost 8 years ago, He played this game and it was a turn on for me. Watching Him last night, I remember why. The way that He moved His fingers along the buttons was almost intoxicating.

Anyway, despite being very out of practice and not up to the usual par, I found myself watching Him in awe. He caught the look on my face and I saw a flash go across His face. I was sitting on the floor gazing up at Him when He turned His body toward me and pulled down His shorts over His manhood. Mmmm….. Yes, please! He started using my mouth and it was wonderful. I loved every second of it. After a while of that, He helped me up and moved me over to the corner part of our sectional couch. A new position….. oh yes! We had to work together to make this work, as my lower half was partially suspended over the side of the couch. I had no control over any movement besides holding myself up. Thank you, Sir…. it was incredible. Afterwards we took a shower that felt fabulous. He massaged my shampoo into my hair and His tenderness was made me smile. After the shower, I was brushing through my hair and He gave me a nice hard slap on my bare bottom. Some dialog and a few more slaps (progressively getting harder) later, my bottom was a lovely shade of pink and I felt amazing. It was not a “real” spanking session per se (only 4 slaps total) but the way I felt after it is almost indescribable. I hope that we will be able to work up to a nice long spanking session one day. Yes, I think I would like that….. a lot. 🙂 

Question #6 – Roots of my Submission

I broke up this question into two different parts for easier answering:

What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood?

This is a question that I asked myself not so long ago. I have put a great deal of thought into it. I think the ultimate roots of my submission are actually a part of my nature, to my inner core. I think it is just a piece of the puzzle that makes up me. I think there are certain things in the way that I grew up that fed my submissive nature though. I had a wonderful childhood. I grew up in a very stable family and had what would probably be considered a “normal” life. I was a very well behaved child/young adult. I rarely got into any trouble with my parents. In my conscious memory, I can count on one hand how many times I needed any real punishment while growing up. The words “I’m very disappointed in you” were enough to completely break my heart and correct any certain behavior. Even through my teenage years, this was worse than any punishment I could have received. I have always been a “people-pleaser” type of person even from a very early age.

I only recently discovered that the feelings I had were submissive type feelings. I had posted in an earlier entry that it had gotten me into some trouble even before I knew I was submissive. As I grew older, I started becoming attracted to men with what I perceived to be a “dominant” attitude. There were two relationships to note. One was with a married man. He was no inherently dominant per se, but he did have a “male pride” type thing going on that I confused with being a dominant attitude. Needless to say, that did not work out at all. Our relationship slowly deteriorated (there were other reasons for this as well but I will leave those details out). As that relationship ended I started a new one with a person who was not who I thought. He was outwardly dominant and of course I was attracted to that. I didn’t realize that it was uncontrolled dominance, but I wouldn’t have really known the difference back then. I was warned off from him by his sister (who still remains a good friend of mine to this day) but I stupidly didn’t listen. This was the relationship that changed my life forever. About 2 months after we started dating I found out I was pregnant. That was where everything went to hell. He started to get more angry and domineering. Everything that he said was threatening. That’s where the verbal and emotional abuse started. It didn’t take me very long to realize that there was something wrong with his behavior. None of it was out of real love for me. My daughter was born and things were quieter for a while, but that didn’t last too long. There were many things that were done and said in front of her that I really wish had not happened. I couldn’t take them back but with a lot of help from a friend I finally had the courage to do what I should have done when I found out I was pregnant. When A was 10 months old I finally left her birth father.

I only touch on this relationship because I am convinced that it was my unknown submissive nature and lack of knowledge about it that got me into that trouble in the first place. I didn’t judge his personality very well because I was blinded by the attraction to the “testosterone” fueled behavior. I do not believe that it is the root of my submissive self. I do not believe that it caused me to be submissive in any way. In fact, coming out of that relationship I had to take control of my own life again. I was a single parent and had to take care of everything on my own.

The story of my Husband and I could be a post all its own so maybe I will write that story on a different day. I will say that He is the only one that I have ever felt this strongly about submitting fully and completely to, the only man that truly deserves the gift of my submission.

Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

The term relationship management tool implies to me that something needs to be fixed. My submission is not a cure for something going wrong in our relationship. I view my submission as a gift that I give to my Husband. It is not just something that is a tool to be pulled out when/if needed. I have the desire and need to submit to Him all the time, not just sometimes.

Sexual thrill? ABSOLUTELY. I am greatly turned on when He shows dominance. I dream constantly about it. It is very much a sexual thrill for me. However, there is so much more to my submission that just sexual. I love the feeling of pleasing my Husband (“That’s my girl” or “Good girl” are my very favorite phrases). When I feel submissive I feel like everything in my own private world is right. My submission is a thing that I love to give to my Husband in or out of the sexual context.

Progress

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Whatever emotional breakdown I was having on Monday night, Tuesday night and Wednesday made up for that. My Husband really stepped things up in and out of the bedroom. He did things that He had never done before and did them incredibly well (our “session” Tuesday night wasn’t a true scene but it’s a step in the right direction). I saw a small piece of the inner Dom I know lies within Him. I had this overwhelming urge to be just be near Him all day yesterday and He showed me some more of that Dom during the day. Even late last night I woke up to Him playing with me (it didn’t lead anywhere, but it was still wonderful to feel Him roaming and touching). I am once again basking in the submissive afterglow that I have come to adore and crave.

I have also found that I get a really good feeling when I sit or kneel on the floor while He sits or reclines on the couch. Usually this works the best when He is doing homework, but just being in that submissive position makes me feel so right. I have had the opportunity the last few nights and it has been quite lovely.
While it may not seem like much, it is still progress and it makes me feel so wonderful. Even the small step forward makes me feel like this new D/s dynamic is right for us and that it will work, even if the progress moves slowly.