First, I will start with the storms on the outside. The weather here hasn’t been that great. I think that it has rained and stormed more often than it’s been nice outside. I think it’s really part of why it seems my 4 year old seems to be acting up lately. She has had an attitude to rival that of any teenager out there. We got a break in the rain yesterday so my husband decided that we should get out and go to a local park. The playground they have there is incredible and it’s made of actual wood which is not common around here anymore. We had a lot of fun playing there despite it being extremely humid. So far today, the weather hasn’t been too terrible so far. However, there are more storms in our forecast so we’ll see what happens later.
Now, for the storms on the inside. This is going to be quite a bit different than my first few posts so be prepared…. I have known for quite some time that I have an extremely submissive nature. Honestly, over the course of 4 years it got me into some major trouble. My own choices in dating partners was reflecting my submissive nature but I had never caught on to it. It landed me in an abusive relationship that resulted in my 4 year old. Eventually I was able to end the relationship and started dating my now husband (I won’t get into the details today, I will save the entire story for its own entry on another day). He was so much different than my previous relationships but I knew a long time ago that I loved Him. We do have a wonderful relationship but I still couldn’t help but feel somewhat unfulfilled. I started doing some research on the matter (because obviously when something feels off we turn to “Dr. Google” to verify whether or not we are still “normal”). I came across many blogs and articles about submissive women and a lot of things started to make sense to me.
Once I had some answers about myself (which is far from all the answers I am searching for but at least the basic idea), I had another scary task in front of me: telling my husband. I had no idea how to go about this. I was afraid it was going to change his entire view of me. I had found a couple of sources online and I had him do a little bit of reading. He is not overly dominant so I was a little concerned that it would never work the way that I dreamed. He outwardly seemed to also be have a submissive nature. However, we have realized in very little time that He is less submissive than we both thought. I am sure that He has an incredible dominant side, it’s just a matter of me fully embracing my submissiveness in order for Him to fully embrace His dominance. I knew from the beginning that it was going to be a long road. No matter how painfully slow we are moving, the important part is that we are moving at His pace. If we start to move at the pace I want, then it is completely besides the point.
So to the inner storm analogy. I feel like we are at a stand still and need to maybe have a another talk. I’m afraid of bringing it up to Him because I don’t want to seem pushy to Him. That is going against the entire point. Before I got pregnant I was doing alright. I thought we were doing just fine. I had accepted that it was going to be an extremely long road so to me things were going well. When I got pregnant, it got more difficult to get things done around the house like I had been doing. I feel like a disappointment sometimes and I hate feeling that way. He in no way has made me feel like a disappointment, but I do wish that He would hold me accountable for things instead of letting me get away it. He has never been through a pregnancy before so I think that he might just feel like he needs to give me more leeway than might be necessary. While I understand how much leeway He gives me is not my choice, I don’t want to drop things altogether. I was really nauseated and really tired for the first half of my pregnancy, which made things difficult and I know he was just trying to be understanding. Now that I have been feeling better (though still extremely exhausted due to insomnia settling in), I feel like I’m still not getting done what should be done. Pregnancy does intensify all emotions and my submissive needs are not immune. The thought of carrying His baby inside me also fuels the fire as well. I am hoping that very soon I will be able to bring it up. For now, I am going to try to get my entire to-do list completed for the day.
I apologize for the length of this post and thank you so much for reading!