Tomorrow the day is finally upon us. My Husband will get a few days off of work and we are going to “blow this pop stand” and take a little vacation. We’re not going terribly far (only a few hours away), but it will be nice to get away for a few days. We are going with a whole bunch of other people, but we get to stay in the hotel for free (thanks to our friend’s mom’s timeshare) so that is the plus side. Another nice thing about it is that we get to take dear daughter on a vacation before the baby comes. So many things are changing in our lives very soon (and so many things that I hope will start to change, though none of that has to do with her directly).
My to-do list is crazy long. I want to have as much packed as possible tonight (though a few things will have to wait until tomorrow). Plus, I want to have as much cleaning done as possible so that the house is clean before we leave tomorrow. I just took a quick break from my list to type a quick post since I don’t know how much I will be able to post while we are away. If I end up not having time, have a fantastic weekend and wonderful 4th of July!
This morning we went in for a quick ultrasound to check the baby before we leave town for a short vacation. According to the tech, everything was looking good. Our baby girl was head down today so we are hoping that she stays that way now. The unfortunate side was that she was facing my back and would not rotate enough for us to get a good 4D picture… or any picture for that matter. The only really good picture we got was of her ear. It was one of the most beautiful ears I’ve ever seen! =) She was measuring a few days behind but not so far that it was concerning. The tech measured my fluid but didn’t say anything good or bad about it so it must have been fine. If something is off I would assume that my doctor would be giving me a call to let us know.
I was feeling really down yesterday. This journey towards D/s that I am on feels like it’s starting to wear on me. So I went back to Google and searched blogs for those who have been through this or currently going through this. It seems to be quite common for the submissive partner to be the one to instigate things. I got a few ideas from some other subs on how to proceed with getting through to my Husband. I don’t think He quite understands just how serious I am about the matter. I think that I am going to need to write down my thoughts and try to organize them. As terrifying as it is, I need to bare my soul completely to Him. I think it might be the only way to truly convince Him just how much I do need this. A year ago (when I first started researching), I identified my submissive personality in the bedroom. It wasn’t until after we got married that I realized that this was more than just a bedroom thing. I hadn’t realized that I had a deep need for this as a lifestyle. Explaining all of this to Him has proven to be one of the most difficult things I’ve needed to do. We shall see.
First, I will start with the storms on the outside. The weather here hasn’t been that great. I think that it has rained and stormed more often than it’s been nice outside. I think it’s really part of why it seems my 4 year old seems to be acting up lately. She has had an attitude to rival that of any teenager out there. We got a break in the rain yesterday so my husband decided that we should get out and go to a local park. The playground they have there is incredible and it’s made of actual wood which is not common around here anymore. We had a lot of fun playing there despite it being extremely humid. So far today, the weather hasn’t been too terrible so far. However, there are more storms in our forecast so we’ll see what happens later.
Now, for the storms on the inside. This is going to be quite a bit different than my first few posts so be prepared…. I have known for quite some time that I have an extremely submissive nature. Honestly, over the course of 4 years it got me into some major trouble. My own choices in dating partners was reflecting my submissive nature but I had never caught on to it. It landed me in an abusive relationship that resulted in my 4 year old. Eventually I was able to end the relationship and started dating my now husband (I won’t get into the details today, I will save the entire story for its own entry on another day). He was so much different than my previous relationships but I knew a long time ago that I loved Him. We do have a wonderful relationship but I still couldn’t help but feel somewhat unfulfilled. I started doing some research on the matter (because obviously when something feels off we turn to “Dr. Google” to verify whether or not we are still “normal”). I came across many blogs and articles about submissive women and a lot of things started to make sense to me.
Once I had some answers about myself (which is far from all the answers I am searching for but at least the basic idea), I had another scary task in front of me: telling my husband. I had no idea how to go about this. I was afraid it was going to change his entire view of me. I had found a couple of sources online and I had him do a little bit of reading. He is not overly dominant so I was a little concerned that it would never work the way that I dreamed. He outwardly seemed to also be have a submissive nature. However, we have realized in very little time that He is less submissive than we both thought. I am sure that He has an incredible dominant side, it’s just a matter of me fully embracing my submissiveness in order for Him to fully embrace His dominance. I knew from the beginning that it was going to be a long road. No matter how painfully slow we are moving, the important part is that we are moving at His pace. If we start to move at the pace I want, then it is completely besides the point.
So to the inner storm analogy. I feel like we are at a stand still and need to maybe have a another talk. I’m afraid of bringing it up to Him because I don’t want to seem pushy to Him. That is going against the entire point. Before I got pregnant I was doing alright. I thought we were doing just fine. I had accepted that it was going to be an extremely long road so to me things were going well. When I got pregnant, it got more difficult to get things done around the house like I had been doing. I feel like a disappointment sometimes and I hate feeling that way. He in no way has made me feel like a disappointment, but I do wish that He would hold me accountable for things instead of letting me get away it. He has never been through a pregnancy before so I think that he might just feel like he needs to give me more leeway than might be necessary. While I understand how much leeway He gives me is not my choice, I don’t want to drop things altogether. I was really nauseated and really tired for the first half of my pregnancy, which made things difficult and I know he was just trying to be understanding. Now that I have been feeling better (though still extremely exhausted due to insomnia settling in), I feel like I’m still not getting done what should be done. Pregnancy does intensify all emotions and my submissive needs are not immune. The thought of carrying His baby inside me also fuels the fire as well. I am hoping that very soon I will be able to bring it up. For now, I am going to try to get my entire to-do list completed for the day.
I apologize for the length of this post and thank you so much for reading!
Last Wednesday I had my 26 week prenatal appointment. It seems weird that I even had a 26 week appointment at all. The OB practice I am going to starts biweekly appointments after 24 weeks. In any event, it went well. My belly is measuring perfectly and baby’s heart rate is looking very good. My blood pressure is also staying in a good range, which was a problem for me in my last pregnancy. I took the glucose test and had my hemoglobin tested, I passed both with flying colors! I was very happy to get those results. We are taking a trip next week and even though it’s only for a few days my doctor wants me to go in next Thursday for an ultrasound. I also had low fluid in my last pregnancy so she just wants to check up on that and make sure it still looks alright before we leave. She said that she would rather be safe than sorry even though it’s only 4-4.5 hours away. While I will be glad to see my baby girl again, I do hope they won’t have to do too many more. We’ll see how Thursday goes I suppose.
We were able to get everything for my daughter’s room all completed. We had to put a curtain up to separate it from the toy part of her room, but I think it turned out well in the end! This is her 3rd night sleeping down there and she is loving it. The full sized bed makes it all worth it to her! She has other stuff on her walls too so it looks like a bedroom despite only being separated from the rest of the room with the curtains. I am extremely happy with the results.
My day isn’t even close to over yet, but I have had such a day that I need a distraction for a little while. My daughter dropped my phone into a glass of water. How she was able to do so is beyond me but it happened. I put it into a bag of rice so we’ll see if I am able to save it. I’m not too optimistic though.
Then I needed to go to the store to buy some blinds and of course neither WalMart nor Target had the size I needed. Luckily, Menards had some on sale for 50% off and they will cut them down to size for free. Thank goodness I was able to get that done today. So a word of advice: if you can’t find blinds in the size you need, go directly to a store (like Menards) that will cut blinds for you. Don’t try to travel all over the world hoping another department store will have them, because they only sell certain sizes.
On another note, I am in the process of moving my 4 year old to the downstairs. There is no real “bedroom” per se, but there is a little cove type thing. I put up curtains to separate it from the rest of the room and I think I did a pretty darn good job too. I need to put blinds up in the window yet. I bought these really cute butterfly wall stickers from WalMart for 97 cents that I think she will really like. It will be tough to move her down there but with the new baby coming she will be better off and will sleep so much better being separated from the crying. I will post pictures when I am all finished putting it all together. =)
Well, I suppose that I have procrastinated long enough now. Hopefully I can get everything done that I need to get done before the end of the night.
I have been wanting to start a blog for a while. I had thought about doing videos instead but I decided I’m a much better writer than speaker (I would probably spend way too much time trying to edit videos and it’s time in which I do not have to spare).
So a little bit about myself and the life I am currently living. I have a 4 year old daughter. She can be quite challenging at times but her intelligence never ceases to amaze me. She had a bit of a rough start to life (her birth father had an awful temper and was incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive to me and I think she was quite affected by it). I got married last October and she absolutely adores her stepdad (most of the time) and we are doing well. We are in for some big changes this coming September as we are expecting baby girl #2!
That’s about all I have for now. I’m posting from my smartphone and it’s driving me crazy. Plus, it’s 2:30am right now and I have so much to do tomorrow. Sleep is highly recommended!